I don’t believe in god.
At least not the god you’re thinking about.
When you say I’ve given up on god, you’re mostly right. I have lost faith in the caricature of god modern Christianity has created in its own image. A god that represents exclusion, authoritative power, fear, wrath and hellfire. A god that hates everyone we hate. I have walked away from this, and I’m not turning back. But it’s not as simplistic as a rejection of God altogether. If being a Christian means following that god, then I’m just fine with people not using that label for me anymore.
I don’t believe in the hateful god that tells gay people they aren’t welcome and not good enough. The one that would rather focus on six bible verses to justify exclusion than the hundreds that talk about Gods all inclusive love.
I don’t believe in the power obsessed god that installs corrupt and evil governments and politicians that lock kids in cages because these might, just maybe give that god a piece of the power pie. This god sells its soul and ignores injustice in order to gain access to a man made throne.
I don’t believe in the abusive god that protects abusers at the expense of the ones they abused. The misogyny is so engrained in this god that it would rather throw its support behind a predator than give women a voice..
And speaking of women, I don’t believe in the male god that treats women as second class citizens. This god sees them as bodies that exist only for the male gaze and the highest level they can reach is as our helper. This god seems to be a favourite of men for some strange reason. I wonder why….
I don’t believe in the racist god that whitewashes a brown, middle eastern saviour to make faith more “comfortable” for white evangelicals, 81% of which voted for a racist president with little hesitation. This god favours white skin while black and brown skin become expendable.
I don’t believe in the vengeful god that sends the majority of people to hell because this god didn’t choose them beforehand in some sick and twisted game of follow the leader where losing means you get eternal torture. This god is arbitrary and ill-tempered, based in fear and seems to smite all the same people we would.
I don’t believe in the bible god where an old book put together by a room full of men 1800 years ago is held up as the be all and end all. A book that seems to be more worshipped than the creator it supposedly represents.
I don’t believe in the anti-science god that believes the earth is meant to be raped and pillaged because they made us the pinnacle of creation. This god and it’s arrogance are killing us and our children based on a misreading of scripture and the plugging of their ears and closing of their eyes.
I don’t believe in the god of wealth that would rather force a camel through the eye of a needle than give up one ounce of their luxury. This god believes in trickle down economics that leave the majority of the world starving and contradicts its commands to care for the poor.
I’m done with that god. Maybe you are, too.
There’s a god I want to believe in, though. A God I want to be true. This God is one I’ve caught glimpses of, but have struggled to trust is real.
The God I want to believe in loves indiscriminately. This God brings down the powerful and offers justice to the oppressed and marginalized. This God values people over profit and welcomes all at the table. This God is concerned with how we live life now, not as a means to the afterlife, but as a way to add beauty and love to our existence. This God is not angry and does not pull the “my ways are higher than your ways” crap to explain away bad shit. It doesn’t matter whether you believe in this God, because this God cares enough about you to bridge the gap. The God I want to believe in is good and beautiful. We can’t make this God hate all the people we hate and they refuse to be shaped into our image or fit in our boxes.
As much as I love the idea of THIS God, I’m still not sure I believe in them. I want to. That would be a better bookend to this thought. But when a vindictive and closed minded vision of god is what you see on the regular, it’s difficult to trust something that is pure and good. When you’ve been called a heretic and heathen long enough, you start to question what you once were confident in. You wonder if it’s a bait and switch. Goodness knows the church is good at that when it comes to evangelism. So I want to follow this God, but I’m just not sure. I do see many others following this God, and it’s compelling. They push through all the doubts and questions that freeze me and seem to find something beautiful on the other side. They don’t ignore the false god, but combat it and give their lives to fighting it. And I’m happy for them. I admire them. Let’s just say if I was doubting Thomas, I would have seen the scars and said, “yeah, but what about…”
Believers in that old god say that this other God I speak of isn’t real. That I’ve made them up. They accuse those who want to believe in this vision of God of ignoring scripture and following their own path into a life of sin. Who knows, maybe they are right. But I’d way rather err on the side of love than give my life to a hate masked as love which only serves to berate and shame. If that’s the case, I’d rather live in sin than what they call righteousness.
I’m not sure what I believe about god. I know who I want God to be and I know the kind of god I don’t believe in. All I know is that I won’t settle for that god anymore. That god is not good enough to be God.