Goodbye, For Now

To have a song speak so clearly to what you feel is a gift, and one Derek Webb has given me time and time again. This one currently hits me hard. The questions, the doubts and frustration. Mostly, the loneliness. The sadness. The part where Derek sings “and yet you say” with no response brings me to tears, born of sorrow and reassurance. Sorrow, because I resonate deeply with the lack of response from God. Reassurance because it reminds me that I’m not alone, which helps alleviate the sadness and loneliness just a bit.

Yes, I know. Just have faith. It sounds so simple.

But telling someone who doesn’t know if God is there that they should ‘just have faith’ is like telling someone without sight to just open their eyes. Whoever wrote Hebrews says its impossible to please God without faith. James says those who doubt are like a wave tossed in the wind, double minded and unstable. That’s a pretty accurate description at the moment, to be honest. Because I go back and forth depending on the moment. If that’s all true, then I’m screwed, I guess. I’d give anything to have the confidence that God is real and cares for me. Nothing is impossible with God they say, assuming you believe that sort of thing. If that’s the case, can someone with faith pray for me to have it? Because apparently, God will grant your requests, but only if you have faith. It feels like a lose-lose situation. If you ask me, the system sounds rigged. Maybe the reformed calvinists were right after all…

If there is a God, and God is truly good, I’m hoping they are good enough to handle my doubts, fears and questions. Even my walking away from them.

-BR

———

“Goodbye, For Now”

The reason it’s been so long since we talked
I’m not ready to show up
I feel nothing
I don’t even feel sad anymore
Just always looking for your replacement

I still believe in Love
Like I believe in Just War
I think it’s possible
But maybe just not anymore

So I say, goodbye for now
Goodbye for now, goodbye for now
So I say, goodbye for now
Goodbye for now, goodbye for now

So I’m back in the corner of this bar
Just studying a glass and these faces
I’ve been looking for the one I lost
And for eternity in the wrong places
So either you aren’t real
Or I am just not chosen
Maybe I’ll never know
Either way my heart is broken

As I say, goodbye for now
Goodbye for now, goodbye for now
As I say goodbye for now
Goodbye for now, goodbye for now

So you left me here to document the slow unraveling
Of a man who burned the house down where he kept everything
And excommunication never made much sense to me
Like abandonment to demonstrate how you’ll never leave

And yet you say…

And I say goodbye for now
Goodbye for now, goodbye for now
Oh I say, goodbye for now
Goodbye for now, goodbye for now

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